Bashing the bishop, beating the meat, strangling the snake, playing the kazoo, squeezing the tube, and of course aving a wank. All wonderfully funny sayings used to describe the art (oh trust me it’s an art) of masturbating. A word which is too boring for what it really entails. The thing is it’s so simple a monkey could do it and I’m sure they do and you don’t even need any instructions. It is mans oldest form of entertainment and we are built in with our very own speedometer deciding how fast we wish to go, bash, bang, or wallop away. It’s extraordinary; of course women will never understand, they are really subconsciously jealous. Because man has been blessed with a gift, I mean who needs to pop a couple of headache tablets after a stressful day when you’ve got this baby at your dispersal. Just whip it out-(preferably at home but it’s a free country so whatever floats your boat) and strum away, imagine you’re playing guitar hero perhaps...? Wonderful though aint it and let’s be honest no woman will ever be as good as your very own Mrs Palm and her 5 lovely daughters will she? So next time you’re having a pop with lil Johnny Thomas just remember how lucky you are! And that my friend is why men don’t need Ann Summers.
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