Rude Snowmen and other pressing issues

It was last December; just before the Christmas holidays the UK was lucky enough to see a flourish of snow into the new year. It was wonderful at first everyone loved it; people of all ages were out and about in the white gold dust which leads to the beginning I was walking through my local church cemetery  a place of sanctuary in the summer, a place of mystic in the dark of winter and now a snowy wintry haven, a Santa grotto if you will except for all the dead body's buried in the ground unless of course it is the grotto of a murderous Santa who perhaps kidnaps children in his sack and maybe brings them to his wintry retreat to give to his elves to feast upon. Anyway I was walking through when all of a sudden I saw a group of teenagers up ahead "HMM trouble" I thought so went to a nearby bench sat opposite the boys but far enough away so to be hidden by the falling veil of snow; i felt like a spy and if i was much older I suppose a paedophile anyway as i was saying these boys cant have been much more than about 18 so young men really; and do u know what they were doing? They were building a snowman that's right all four of them clubbing together to construct there monument; it really was rather nice to see, OK they may have been building it right on the former grass verge before snow covered, the same verge which was next to the church door and right in front of several tombstones. However it wasn't sacrilege it was a sign of peace to the dead a happy snowman resting there too with there souls (corpses) that was when it happened before my very eyes the tallest one of the group picked up a massive clump of snow and he began to fashion it. That's right fashioning was going on in the shape of a great big snowy penis!! I was so flabbergasted I nearly fell off my bench I couldn't believe my eyes this happy smiling snowman was now beaming down upon the graves with an almighty stonker on; no wonder he was so happy. This former sign of peace this prior symbol beacon if you will of happiness had now been defaced for pleasure of the devil! So of course i approached the boys who saw me coming and said " do  like our snowman?" and of course me being a man of faith i did not so i said " Oh I suppose some dickheads did that did they?" Before they could reply my confrontation was rudely disturbed by that of a rather burly middle aged chappy complete with girlfriend on arm laughing in delight at this abomination! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? His lady friend was also amused, of course i was aghast naturally the boys then repeated there question to this gentlemen who replied " bloody brilliant lads i av to whack mine with ammer to make it that big!" and with that he took a picture of it so of course for purely vigilante purposes i did the same the boys then mentioned he was called 'Enrique and with that they were gone I never did find out why me and my friends decided to call him that it just seemed apt :)

I DONT DO MORNINGS!

Sleep; good ole sleep cant beat it the lovely docile bodily requirement designed to heal and replenish your body and mind. LOVELY ain't it; but IL tell ya what Sonny's I bloody hate it when you come across the bastard people in your life that very much certainly do do mornings: Just picture it, its a peaceful Sunday morning; your just beginning to stir , your in a place somewhere between dosing and awake, its beautiful the warm sun gently shines through the window warmly caressing your face, your body so snug beneath the covers silently smiling to yourself as you confidently know you have no reason to arise. Then it happens!! Whatever complete dickweed asshole bastard son of Lucifer you live with be it your brother cousins or roommate decides to get up right at the bloody crack of dawn!!! I cannot think of anything more infuriatingly annoying than somebody that does this; they could at least have the courtesy to be quiet and maybe consider yourself but no they bloody bulldoze out of bed charge down the stairs , any bloody body would think theres a fire but no that's just Gillian the room mate arising again. Down the stairs radio switched on back doors open the fags lit up kettles roars on and of course she now finds it necessary to turn the television on as well! I mean iv heard women can multi task but this is something else! What is it ' lets see how much electricity i can use in one morrning' game. So then theres you or me rather laying there in bed now very much awake shall i get up? you think no you don't want to go downstairs maybe? No you've got a roaring hard on so now your trapped in your own room with an embarrassing erection after being slumber disturbed. This is a message to anyone who thinks this is OK to do its not!! HAVE SOME BLOODY CONSIDERATION! The next time it happens IL charge down the stairs fry the mains up with a big FIZZ before swiftly whipping out my manhood and having a big morning piss all over your bloody toast!!! GOT IT! please comment if you share my anger if you disagree leave your name and address at the bottom and IL send the boys round shortly.

The Options of Old

Old people. The elderly. The aged. All terms used to describe the older members of our society. Generally, unless they are your relatives, young people hate old people. The scary thought is...WE WILL ALL BE LIKE THEM ONE DAY!

Now don't get me wrong I am by no means an ageist but you'll have to admit, these days a good 50% of over 60's are grumpy, senile, complaining, but fascinating creatures. My theory is - if one half of the aged population is the latter then the other half must be the opposite. This is where the thought of Nan and Grandad enter our minds. These people are the happy pensioners; they live life to the full - always smiling, always joking. Their lives are fruitful, and this is the way to be. They are unlike the previously described old biddies, who seem to somewhat have a chip on their shoulder; they hate youth and all young people, and in their day you would have either got the sack, been kicked out, had a clip round the ears, been locked up or even shot...according to them, anyway.

You see, thanks to the media there is a huge stigma attached to the youth of today. In the eyes of the old, young people stab for fun, kill for pleasure and we brush our teeth with cannabis! We are constantly judged, so we judge them back, and so the downward spiral begins; is there a solution? Will you think like them one day? Of course you won't because you have read this, and now the only solution is to embrace. That's right, embrace the stigma! Be the stereotype! Don your hoodies, grab your kitchen knives, go out in the street, target an old person, charge up to them at full speed and give them a great big...HUG! That's right prove them wrong! Hug them so tight until their pacemakers skip a beat and then relax, step back smile, wave and leave; then find the next one!! Forget 'hug a hoody'; a hoody will now hug you! So get out there and back the new government campaign 'Hug an old person!'. Oh, and do mind the smell.