Rude Snowmen and other pressing issues

It was last December; just before the Christmas holidays the UK was lucky enough to see a flourish of snow into the new year. It was wonderful at first everyone loved it; people of all ages were out and about in the white gold dust which leads to the beginning I was walking through my local church cemetery  a place of sanctuary in the summer, a place of mystic in the dark of winter and now a snowy wintry haven, a Santa grotto if you will except for all the dead body's buried in the ground unless of course it is the grotto of a murderous Santa who perhaps kidnaps children in his sack and maybe brings them to his wintry retreat to give to his elves to feast upon. Anyway I was walking through when all of a sudden I saw a group of teenagers up ahead "HMM trouble" I thought so went to a nearby bench sat opposite the boys but far enough away so to be hidden by the falling veil of snow; i felt like a spy and if i was much older I suppose a paedophile anyway as i was saying these boys cant have been much more than about 18 so young men really; and do u know what they were doing? They were building a snowman that's right all four of them clubbing together to construct there monument; it really was rather nice to see, OK they may have been building it right on the former grass verge before snow covered, the same verge which was next to the church door and right in front of several tombstones. However it wasn't sacrilege it was a sign of peace to the dead a happy snowman resting there too with there souls (corpses) that was when it happened before my very eyes the tallest one of the group picked up a massive clump of snow and he began to fashion it. That's right fashioning was going on in the shape of a great big snowy penis!! I was so flabbergasted I nearly fell off my bench I couldn't believe my eyes this happy smiling snowman was now beaming down upon the graves with an almighty stonker on; no wonder he was so happy. This former sign of peace this prior symbol beacon if you will of happiness had now been defaced for pleasure of the devil! So of course i approached the boys who saw me coming and said " do  like our snowman?" and of course me being a man of faith i did not so i said " Oh I suppose some dickheads did that did they?" Before they could reply my confrontation was rudely disturbed by that of a rather burly middle aged chappy complete with girlfriend on arm laughing in delight at this abomination! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? His lady friend was also amused, of course i was aghast naturally the boys then repeated there question to this gentlemen who replied " bloody brilliant lads i av to whack mine with ammer to make it that big!" and with that he took a picture of it so of course for purely vigilante purposes i did the same the boys then mentioned he was called 'Enrique and with that they were gone I never did find out why me and my friends decided to call him that it just seemed apt :)

I DONT DO MORNINGS!

Sleep; good ole sleep cant beat it the lovely docile bodily requirement designed to heal and replenish your body and mind. LOVELY ain't it; but IL tell ya what Sonny's I bloody hate it when you come across the bastard people in your life that very much certainly do do mornings: Just picture it, its a peaceful Sunday morning; your just beginning to stir , your in a place somewhere between dosing and awake, its beautiful the warm sun gently shines through the window warmly caressing your face, your body so snug beneath the covers silently smiling to yourself as you confidently know you have no reason to arise. Then it happens!! Whatever complete dickweed asshole bastard son of Lucifer you live with be it your brother cousins or roommate decides to get up right at the bloody crack of dawn!!! I cannot think of anything more infuriatingly annoying than somebody that does this; they could at least have the courtesy to be quiet and maybe consider yourself but no they bloody bulldoze out of bed charge down the stairs , any bloody body would think theres a fire but no that's just Gillian the room mate arising again. Down the stairs radio switched on back doors open the fags lit up kettles roars on and of course she now finds it necessary to turn the television on as well! I mean iv heard women can multi task but this is something else! What is it ' lets see how much electricity i can use in one morrning' game. So then theres you or me rather laying there in bed now very much awake shall i get up? you think no you don't want to go downstairs maybe? No you've got a roaring hard on so now your trapped in your own room with an embarrassing erection after being slumber disturbed. This is a message to anyone who thinks this is OK to do its not!! HAVE SOME BLOODY CONSIDERATION! The next time it happens IL charge down the stairs fry the mains up with a big FIZZ before swiftly whipping out my manhood and having a big morning piss all over your bloody toast!!! GOT IT! please comment if you share my anger if you disagree leave your name and address at the bottom and IL send the boys round shortly.

THE GAMING ADDICTION

Addiction;  a word often used in a derogatory manor and one which is seen to be dirty, and as a result we frown upon and take pity among those who are enslaved by this state or those who are indeed addicted. However should the barriers and patterns of our society restrict meanings of certain words? By definition an addiction is a compulsive behaviour that you cannot control or relinquish in spite of its destructive consequeces. Now can it be argued that the recreational activity of playing games consoles is an addiction? Well I argue that it can and it is thus meaning that the consequences of which are destructive; surley not? It is true to much gaming can cause arthritic pain to the thumb, cause  shortshited (sightedness) and even bring on the perils of migraines!! Of course these are perfectly normal symptoms and could just as easily be obtained by wanking in a hot room with the lights off; nevertheless the evidence is there excessive gaming can be harmful however minuscule the side effects unless you play games for a living then i suppose you would consider them detrimental. It began in the seventy's (The bloody seventy's) 1972 to be precise; a very clever man by the name of Ralph Baer ( had to be a fucking Ralph) came up with an ingenious invention the first ever video game console! It was called Magnavox odysey, commonly referred to as the 'odysey'. However the success of this console however infinitive was not so grand but the aftermath of what was to come very much was and this failure of a success invention become the primitive mother of all consoles to come.

So what is it?  Why do us Boys love our games? Well where to begin, it all started with most young to middle aged people of today with the Sega Mega drive; aha yes remember that ol bean (shit really wernt it) at the time it was amazing then of course along came the 64 by our friends at Nintendo; now we really were talking the rivalry was on a BAM! Along came the PlayStation and totally scoffed all the others up with a large gulp. It had began childhood got cooler no longer did  you pull the legs off insects but instead you could now blow aliens up with RPGs! The consoles were infectious getting in to every household until one day your nan would be telling you that shes recently had a wii in her front lounge making a change from hers usual wees in the lounge. Gaming is amazing and male bonding now thrives on it; theres nothing like having the lads round with a takeaway a few beers and a good old shoot em up while pumping out the tunes. However it doesn't have to be used only as a social tool, oh no get your self a nice campaign game and you can totally immerse yourself in another world for hours  in the comfort of your own home does the word HALO ring any bells? All I can say is this if gaming is a harmful addiction then I'm a full blown fucking addict and I love it and so should you! So be proud fellow gamers because in the end when the Apocalypse is upon us we will be safe in the knowledge that it was all totally worth it!!!!

PUBS+BOYS

Socialisation:

The term used for the process by which individuals learn and perform behaviour expected of them by society. The older we get the more we like to socialise and the more we do this the happier we generally are. Now mankind cleverly defised an invention like no other, something that was so good it made u braver, more confident, more funny, more clever,better looking; even gave you the ability to sing; and apparantly makes it ok to piss wherever you want! Surley such a potion only exist in fairytales I hear you exclaim, well thats where you're wrong (although it would explain sleeping beauty) the magical potion im talking about is none other than your good friend ALCOHOL.

 Thats right your close companion and socially acceptable drug Mr Ethanol. Now not only did some genius primate discover the stuff but when the little devils had done evolving they actually found time to build a place to consume it; thus making it a social event! Names come and go but the name that stuck was 'The Pub' and what a wonderful name indeed; shortened from its predessor 'Public House' until decided upon it was far to long to say when drunk so PUB it was.. So whats the attraction? Sure its a building sure they serve alcohol but what do 'Men' find so fasinating about it all you ask? Allow me to explain traditionally 'Men' were once boys (I say traditionally as you never can tell these days) and these boys would see  their fathers come home from work strip off have a bite to eat, by strip off I ment shower lets make that clear; then they were gone you've got it down the Boozer they went and the little boy would wonder what went on behind those doors,why was Dad always loud and merry when he got back? It was most strange indeed but then the time came when you got to go! YES! It had arrived the day to experience the magic you walk in and........ wafting over you is the stale smell of beer body odour and peanuts, a stain of yellow decorates the celing a reminder of smokier days and behind the counter is a cashier but instead of giving you receipts he gives you  ALCOHOL! This is when the genius hits you, as you look around the place taking in the sight of groaning bodys over warm beers sat upon wooden stools upon scary carpet  you relise that the only thing left to do is drink! Suddenly after about an hour you find yourself viewing again but this time the bodys are lively souls the warm beers are now golddust  the stools now thrones and the carpet now bed; its amazing its exciting its social cool and great! Thats when you relise that this will be your second home a place of fun pointless banter and meaningless chat but its fun enjoyable and you love it and thats why boys will always love their pubs.

The Options of Old

Old people. The elderly. The aged. All terms used to describe the older members of our society. Generally, unless they are your relatives, young people hate old people. The scary thought is...WE WILL ALL BE LIKE THEM ONE DAY!

Now don't get me wrong I am by no means an ageist but you'll have to admit, these days a good 50% of over 60's are grumpy, senile, complaining, but fascinating creatures. My theory is - if one half of the aged population is the latter then the other half must be the opposite. This is where the thought of Nan and Grandad enter our minds. These people are the happy pensioners; they live life to the full - always smiling, always joking. Their lives are fruitful, and this is the way to be. They are unlike the previously described old biddies, who seem to somewhat have a chip on their shoulder; they hate youth and all young people, and in their day you would have either got the sack, been kicked out, had a clip round the ears, been locked up or even shot...according to them, anyway.

You see, thanks to the media there is a huge stigma attached to the youth of today. In the eyes of the old, young people stab for fun, kill for pleasure and we brush our teeth with cannabis! We are constantly judged, so we judge them back, and so the downward spiral begins; is there a solution? Will you think like them one day? Of course you won't because you have read this, and now the only solution is to embrace. That's right, embrace the stigma! Be the stereotype! Don your hoodies, grab your kitchen knives, go out in the street, target an old person, charge up to them at full speed and give them a great big...HUG! That's right prove them wrong! Hug them so tight until their pacemakers skip a beat and then relax, step back smile, wave and leave; then find the next one!! Forget 'hug a hoody'; a hoody will now hug you! So get out there and back the new government campaign 'Hug an old person!'. Oh, and do mind the smell.

CATS.

CATS.
CAT; A three letter word with a lot of meaning. Perhaps the most prolific household pet you might say? I mean where would we be without the likes of Bagpuss, Top Cat, and Tigger? That's right, the more you think and ponder, the cat species dominates more of our television screens than you might have originally thought.

It all started in Egypt you see, they loved cats; infatuated by them in fact, so much so that they even worshipped them as Gods! Imagine that; you're very own little Smudge or Fluffy being worshipped as the almighty! The thought is ridiculous and as time passed the cat worshippers of Egypt soon became far and few between, and before long cats became ordinary again. Or so it seemed...

Had we really forgotten our former furry friends? Did we leave them behind? Well I think not, just look at the evidence - 3 out of 5 people in the UK claim to own a cat; this figure is a surprising one considering the well known affiliation between dog and Man, nevertheless, the evidence stands bold.

So you see, we never really stopped worshipping our seemingly innocent feline friends - they just tricked us into believing we had. They gave us just enough rope; we built houses, provided cat food and the like and when they were satisfied, they pounced! With their piercing eyes and pointy ears they began the intrusion and thus entered the new (and in truth the only ever real) Man's best friend.

Nineties Kids

Throughout recent history many different generations of childhood have passed, be it the flower children of the swinging 60s, the funky 70s kids or the snazzy sprogs of the 80s; each of these generations certainly have made their mark on the map of time. Now seeing as we are still only in the early 00s, or 'Noughtys' as it is called, our previous nineties generation has yet to become a novelty.
THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE!!!!

Its the nineties. Just imagine it; David Beckham is king and the spice girls rule the world. You're six years old and life is good, videos are still champ and computers still slow. These were the days, and any fellow ninetier will verify this. You see the nineties were special; not because of biased views but because the 90s kids were the last generation of 'Normal Kids'. Allow me to explain...back in the 90s the average child still played board games, they still played with action figures and bike riding was still up there along with Wendy houses, space hoppers and football...

However the kids of the 00s lack all of these qualities, by the time they were born mobile phones were almost mandatory and games consoles still peaking; families had two cars and fewer kids played outside; board games were now 'boring' and action figures now electronic. Poke'mon was Yu-Gi-h and yo-yo's were Beyblades. Everything was at the press of a button. Gone were the days of setting up mouse trap; now it's all Xbox, and as for children's television, now it's on all day everyday - taking with it the novelty of waiting for your programmes to start.
Patience had eroded making way for an instant generation - instant food, instant TV, instant communication. Nothing was worth waiting for any more. Not so long ago you were sitting at the breakfast table with a bowl of golden nuggets and a glass of sunny delight, the next it's all coco rocks and fruit shoots. Had the world gone crazy?!
Alas things move on and generations obviously have to differ; but that does not and will not ever prevent the nineties kids from remembering, and we will continue to do so! So when you're old and grey and feeling nostalgic don't hesitate to go down to the shed and stick on a bit of Keenan and Kel while munching on your BN BN's. Heck, why not get out your Tazzos and while you're at it maybe have a game of kerplunk!